Broken Bonds </3 September 29, 2007

9:01pm September 29th, 2007

The mark on our hands burn of a dark red,

It pulls us close until the end;

Finding it difficult to sleep on a bed,

Perhaps our love just could not bend.

 

Until at last the bond has broken,

A split road stands before us;

Saying good byes our hearts are broken,

Maybe we lied, oh just because.

 

Whatever broke us we may never know,

Thinking it through it just does not seem right;

The truth just never glows,

A future you say, it is just not bright.

 

Hardships and tears,

Perhaps we are too naive;

To understand it, it must be clear,

We broke apart like a crunchy leaf.

 

Broken hearts, blood drip and drop,

Clogged up throats it does not seem to stop;

Till the moment the whistle blows,

Everything will be buried below.

~Belle

Our Dying Love… September 27, 2007

8:35pm September 27, 2007

It seems like it was just yesterday,

When you told me that everything would be fine;

That everything I saw today,

Would also be mine. 

Our love seems so far away,

Like it drifted off to hide some place;

You held my hand then walked away,

The warmth around me is distracted into a maze. 

Perhaps it was just the way it’s so blurry,

That I hesitate to make that first step;

Perhaps that day appeared too cloudy,

That I pondered on the kiss we kept. 

A burnt mark lies on my skin,

To remind me of whom you are;

Watching you toss memories into a locked bin,

Yet the wind blows softly into one’s heart. 

Tear-filled eyes watch as the sun set,

Hoping the broken pieces will mend itself;

Until that moment meets the bet,

Lonely and weary sitting by myself. 

A mistake they say to fall in love,

With someone passionate and to die for;

Perhaps it was just puppy love,

But knowing you it will never be a bore. 

Break ups and making up relies on each other,

It is a cycle the old ones says;

Unless the connection mends or it will not bother,

Staying single may just be the best.

~Belle

Sincere Apology… September 22, 2007

9:04pm September 22nd, 2007

I’m realy sorry about what’s been going on.  You guys say that I’m putting too much on myself, and it’s making me feel harder to open up and such.  Well you can’t expect me not to care or think about it.  I’m a pretty emotional person, and if I cry too much, well I apologize.  I remember telling you before that no matter what happens I will never accept your apology.  Whether you like it or not I will NEVER accept your “gomen” or “sorry ah mui”, I just won’t.  You are the one person that I will never regret crying for or… in this case, being your Ah Mui.  Yes it hurts to be your ah mui, and I’m sorry that I’m making you feel bad.  If you really want to help me, you’d stop talking to me.  But that’s not a choice, and I wouldn’t want you to give me the silent treatment.  I don’t know what I truly want.  My conscience tells me the most random things ever.  I just don’t know how I can hold up anymore.  Maybe if I left things would be better; however, I could never bring myself to do that.  You know what?  I don’t regret knowing you.  I don’t regret crying, because it’s just another way for me to let out all my feelings.  After I fall asleep and wake up the next day, it’s a brand new day for me.  I don’t bring over my feelings from the day before.  If you guys are worried about me that’s the first thing you should know.  I don’t hold my feelingsn in.  What passed has passed.  It won’t make an impact on me.  Only one thing has made an impact on me, and that was about that 4 way stop thing.  My one and only promise to myself to always know where the line is.  I won’t cross that line.  If you guys don’t understand that about me, I don’t know what you guys have been thinking all this time.  I don’t like making myself crystal clear to everyone.  It’s just how I’ve been brought up and raised.  I like keeping certain thoughts to myself, and no I won’t be emo or depressed.  I express everything through singing and writing.  Anything that allows me to pour innumerable amounts of feelings out is important to me.  I can’t stop to think for once what would happen if I can’t do anything by myself.  I want to explain to you guys what’s going on… but it’s hard.  A lot has gone through my mind and you know what I’m disappointed in you guys too.  I don’t know how much I’ve stressed this but I don’t need to be worried over.  Yes I’m the youngest and yes I’m emotionally weak, but that doesn’t mean I’m not getting stronger.  I know how to deal with my problems now and if you think you’re causing the problem, why can’t you talk to me about it?  I don’t like hearing that you two were discussing about me till 2am and I don’t know about it till you pour it all on me.  What was I suppose to do?  Yell on the phone?  Scream till I can’t speak?  I won’t be able to feel pain anymore when I cry; I won’t be able to feel warmth when you guys hug me anymore.  I don’t feel like I belong anymore.  It’s just that way that I’m finding things out, same goes to you guys I suppose.  I promise I’ll tell you guys things from now on, but I truly am going to draw another line.  I’m not isolating myself, it’s just the fact that I don’t know what to do right now.  I know what to do and I guess it’ll be fine once it happens.  My conscience has been… well… weird lately.  It hasn’t been operating the way it should.  Surprisingly I’m still laughing and truly feeling happiness…  And no I wasn’t acting at school.  I was actually happy and laughing when I did ==  If you thought that I was acting, then you don’t know how to I operate.  I wonder what you guys expect me to do now.  I’m sorry that I’m now what you guys expected to be.  And as for you, I’m sorry for being the first person that you felt so disappointed with.  I laugh at my stupidity.  Apparently, people are shutting up now.  You know what don’t even bother shutting up.  There’s no point anymore.  I’m sorry but I don’t get what’s going on anymore.  If you ask me, I don’t regret what’s happened the last 3 months.  You know what I sometimes regret?  What I did… that actually made all this happen.  Maybe if I never asked you to come on Wednesday MAYBE this wouldn’t have happened.  But then again a lot of things wouldn’t have happened.  That’s why I don’t regret.  What I have done is official.  30 years from now, I’ll look back at this and think to myself: “Wow… I was stupid enough to cry for that?” or “Wow… haha I was so funny when I was 14 turning 15″.  Perhaps I’ll think about more things to do when I’m 35…  Until then I wouldn’t know.  I’m enjoying all the laughter I can receive right now, I won’t count how many times you made me cry; I won’t count the times that I was sad.  The only thing that I will count is the times you made me laugh.  You two have created some really long lasting memories for me.  Happy or sad, I forget things really easily.  Things that are not worth my time to remember like crying, will be deleted from my brain in a couple of days.  If you ask me why I even bother to remember it for a few days, well you gotta ask my brain that =)  Anyways, all I can say is that I am fine now after blurting everything out.  I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to say things out loud.  Maybe because after all the things I’ve been through, words can mean so much more than words that come out of anyone’s mouth.  I suppose all I can say is that I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve put you guys through and I will shut up now.

 ~Belle

When Happiness is Over, Tears Move in… September 8, 2007

7:44pm  September 8th, 2007

So my birthday was a few days ago.  Our lovely little birthday outing was really fun.  I got a lot of hugs and love from you guys.  I love you guys a lot and I appreciate you guys spending precious time with me on the weekend of my special day.  I know for a fact that you guys are always busy with your activities and friends but knowing that you guys still have time for me, it means a hell lot.  Sometimes I wonder why I have to celebrate my birthday with friends.  Is it for the laughs?  Or is it just because I love being surrounded by those I care about.  I think you guys answered that question finally.  Alex, Jorline and Tivona.  That day was great and I’ll never forget it, EVER.  Now I got myself a working webcam and mic because of Alex and Tivona.  I got no more excuse…. ><”"  WHOOPS!!  Jorline, thanks for your love that will never die.  I cry when I remember everything that I’ve gone through with you guys.  Jen, thanks for that lovely picture frame, that cute black shirt, and the hugs that you give me.  We’ve gone through so much together, we cry together, and now, we’re fighting against our tears together.  Yng, girl I love you and you know it!!  This will end, I promise you.  I absolutely LOVE that poster and everything that you’ve gotten me.  My birthday’s been pretty, interesting, besides the fact that my saturday was ruined, but that’s okay.  I’ll live.  Happiness never did last long, although I’ve been with all my friends and they’ve given me all that joy that I’ve lost this summer.  Tivona’s birthday was probably a blast too.  I wish I could stay at that moment forever and never leave it.  Does anyone want to inject happiness in Belinda so she never has to cry ever again??  Someone help… please…

Things are overflowing with me right now.  I’ve never had such a down time during school.  Jen, you’re being really strong for me and Yng.  I can’t believe that you’re going through all this again.  There’s just a part of me where I want to hug you right now and not let go and another part of me where I want to just help you get through this.  I can’t tell you how much I love you.  You are always there for me and whenever I cry you are always there to catch my tears and lend me your shoulder.  I can’t tell you more.  I’ve seen you gone through so much mishap and troubles.  I don’t think it’s fair for you to go through any more.  Maybe it’s another challenge, maybe we’re just unlucky that this has to happen to us.  One thing I know for sure is that we’re lucky to have each other.  You help me up when I’m falling down or when I’m just too hurt to stand back up.  I don’t know whether this is because I’m just a bad person or if I’m just not… worth having any love at all.  I truly hope that I can pull through.  Trust me, everything will be fine.  As you always say “it’s always worth it in the end”, and I know that the love and effort you’re putting into this right now it’ll be worth it.  I know that everything I’m doing now may be worth it, but the path that I’m going through to get to the end of it is just too hard.  There are too many obstacles along the way and I don’t know if I have the will power to continue this anymore.  I want to give up so bad.  I thought I already did, but I guess it was against the rules and I can’t just give up whenever I want.  Jen, is it ok to break the rules?  I want to break the rules for once or cheat to just reach the end and start a new game all over again.  A game that is worth my time and effort.  Worth my tears and sweat.  I don’t want to spend time doing anything that I’ll regret.  I don’t regret anything though, I just feel helpless.  Holding back tears that are meant to come out isn’t a great feeling.  There’s something inside my heart that’s telling me that I don’t belong here.  Was it wrong to love?  Or was it my fault to ever show up at that party.  If I didn’t show up at Ken’s party I wouldn’t have had this going on.  I don’t regret loving him, and I don’t regret crying all those tears for him.  Because deep down inside I know that I loved him for all the right reasons.  Maybe I just should have stayed quiet and stayed by his side without asking for his attention.  Or being in the spotlight with him.  I wonder if there’s a rewind button.  If there was, I think I would only have gone out with three people, and maybe even only one.  They are the ones that I cared most about and that I wish to spend my life with.  But then again who would believe me?  I’m not at an age where I should be talking about spending my life with someone.  I’m just a growing teenager that’s going through lengthy relationships to find the special someone.  I don’t think there’s anything for me to do.  Only time will tell, but I hate how that works.  I don’t want time to tell me what to do.  I want to let everything go and move on NOW.  It’s either time holding me back, or it’s just him that’s holding me back.  I don’t want anymore promises from him.  I just want him to talk to me like a normal person and stop saying “you know i love ya”  ><  It just hurts for me to hear that.  I don’t want to hear that anymore.  Jen, thanks for doing this for me, listening to me when I have to rant and just not say a word on the phone n just sit there holding back tears.

Why did you have to give me another false hope.  I didn’t make you promise anything this time.  You made ME a promise yourself that you’d show up at my school when you get your L.  Then you just say I can’t and then ditch me for your guy friends and say you know I love ya.  I don’t want to hear that anymore.  I thought that scar in my heart healed already, but it didn’t and you just sliced it open again.  It hurts… a lot.  When will it heal now?!  A month?  A year?  How am I suppose to stop thinking about you?  I just every night now thinking what is going on.  Why can’t you just go out with some girl so I can get over this and tell myself that I need to freaking wake up so I can move on.  I want to slap myself a million times for being so stupid.  I listened to every word you say to me and I believe you like there’s no one else to believe in this world.  But then here I am not even knowing why you broke up with me in the first place.  Well maybe I could guess what was going on, but I never knew the real answer.  I knew I should have asked and there’s no point in asking now.  But do you really have to do this to me?  You said I’ll be fine.  There’s another lie you’ve told me.  I’m holding in tears that I promised myself I will not cry for you.  Now I feel like mud on the floor.  Thanks and you’re welcome.  You succeed.  If this is your way of gaining revenge or something, great.  You’ve gotten me crying over you.  Sleeping doesn’t even help ease the pain anymore.  I toss and turn every night thinking about all this trouble and finally I fall asleep but I wake up some random time at night and find myself crying into my pillow.  Great I lied to myself again.  Tears just went rolling down my cheek.  Great.  Remind me never to trust anyone that says I love you.  This always happens… ><  What am I supposed to do now?  Sit here and cry?  You make it sound like nothing’s wrong and you call me different.  Why am I different?  I don’t want to be different I just want to be me. 

I will pull through.  I have to pull through.  Haha tears are going down my cheek faster now because Alex said that he feels bad for not being here with me.  Yes I know crying it out is better but I hate getting puffy eyes.  I’ll be fine… right?  This sucks to the max.  Remind me to never let myself get into these kinds of trouble ever again.  Love is such a hard thing to control.  Well… I gotta go calm down, toodles.

~Belle