6:37pm March 14th, 2008
Two days ago, I had the biggest breakdown I’ve had yet this year… Why is it that everytime we talk about something so serious that I have to ask something stupid and make myself feel worse. I know for a fact that if I have kept my mouth shut I wouldn’t have cried…
Whether or not I’m attached to you it’s too late for me… I’m already attached and it doesn’t matter to me anymore how much further I fall for you because I already have. And I fell hard. I don’t know if it’s just me or not, but I can tell, or at least sense, that as much as you like me now we’re at different levels. We are… we always were. Perhaps that’s the reason why my tears came down so fast and it didn’t seem to want to stop. It’s impossible for me to have such good luck and not have it end. Maybe that explains why you’re planning on letting go. I was naive enough to lie to myself that maybe you won’t… The same thoughts go through my mind everytime I start to doubt myself… “He told you to have faith in him… Stay strong just for him. You know he won’t hurt you because he’s too nice to hurt you. Maybe he won’t let go after another month or two. Stop doubting yourself! What if he doesn’t go to Toronto and stay here? Then you’ll be stupid for worrying so much”. All that went through my mind, and yet it still is. It’s like its a song on repeat and I can’t stop it. It just won’t stop replaying itself. So what about all the times that I’ve tried so hard to keep you beside me…? Was it just stupid for me to do something like that? Should I have never worked for anything and just hope that things will work out? Or is it just because I don’t want to lose? I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose everything that I’ve worked so hard for and given up all my feelings for.
There are obvious reasons as to why I like you, and then there are the other reasons that I can’t seem to say. I don’t need a reason to like. Better yet I don’t need a reason to love either. I’m starting to actually feel like I love you. Everything that’s going on in my life seems to revolve around you at some point. Whether if something is just passing by you or I actually have something in my life that involves you. You invaded my life… You broke down walls and you got to my heart in such a short period of time. I’m one of the most insecure girls that you can find around here, and yet you seem to protect me wherever I go. The feeling of protection is something that I’ve never really felt coming from someone similar like you. I like that feeling; I need that feeling; I want that feeling.
“What’s the point.. you know he won’t stay for you. You know that you can never be important in his life. You’re just another girl. Maybe he’ll remember 10 years from now and think of you as his first girlfriend. But it’s not like that’ll make a difference.” More insecure thoughts that budge their way into my brain. Reasons for crying on wednesday… I don’t know why I don’t want to list them. I tried blocking out our whole convo… but it didn’t work. It just kept coming back to me like a boomerang. In the end you tell me not to think about it too much. Then why the heck did you tell me that we still have three months? I didn’t want a date you know that? Three months from now… THAT IS A BOMB… a bomb that will set off in three months… I don’t even want to know about the damage that it’ll create. I really didn’t want a date… what’s the point of setting a date on a relationship?
“You know you like him… stop overthinking things. What’s the point in second guessing yourself? You know you believe every word that he says. Just listen to him and don’t think about this. As long as you like him it doesn’t matter. Just hope that things will get better. You know he’ll always be around… just maybe not how you’d want him to be” More thoughts that come back to me… all I want to say is that I won’t give up. Never. It’s not very Belle-like to give up.
~ Belle
