3:44pm April 19th, 2008
April 14th… probably one of the worst days of 2008 =). You told me things that I knew I’ve been pushing out of my mind for a very long time, yet you brought it up. I knew for a fact that you didn’t want to feel unfaithful… somehow I knew that it was going to happen sooner or later. I’m not saying that it wasn’t hard to believe that she likes you… I mean I could sense it when we went skating… I just never thought that it would happen and happen like this.
You regret it… you still like me… we still want to be together… yet nothing is possible. Sometimes I wonder why you didn’t bother asking her or myself what to do before you made your decision. If you actually talked to us and we figured something out, you wouldn’t have to make such a rash decision, and make three people unhappy. I know that the past couple of days we are starting to act normal and feel better about this situation. We may seem normal, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t feel bad in the inside. She feels like she’s the bad guy… and that she doesn’t deserve you in any way. Even if I told her that she was really important to you and that she shouldn’t hold back on this she still feels like she doesn’t deserve any of this. It feels really weird that two girls who like the same guy can talk to each other so nicely. Yet we’d expect the drama type cat fights… and go all nuts towards each other. I admit that I’ve cried… I admit that I hate your decision… I even admit that maybe if you lost me 100% you’d hold me closer. I know I’m really weird and stupid for feeling that, but it seems that the more I lose you the more I want you closer. You’ll always be a close part to me… you’ve made a real large impact on me. Everything that you’ve done to me is basically burnt into my memory. You’ve done so much to me in such a short amount of time.
Today was supposed to be our 3 month… I was going to do spend time with you tomorrow instead, but it seems that we don’t need to anymore. Even though you still want to hang out tomorrow… I do… deep down inside I know I want to be with you. Even if it’s just a hug… or even if you can just hold my hands for a short period of time. I’ll be really really happy… =/ Unlike the other times, I really feel like crying isn’t going to do much… I cried and I couldn’t stop I know tears have to come out… otherwise it’s not healthy. Just being able to be around you will be fine.. It’s not hard to believe that you choose friendship > relationship. But you have to admit that you must like her to a certain degree that friendship + history + feelings > relationship + feelings… we lack history and we probably lack a lot of other things… honestly I wonder what would happen if I was in her position and she was in mine… Would you still break it off with her so you don’t lose your friendship with me? Or do I just have extremely bad timing? There are other questions that popped into my mind, but I really don’t want to ask them anymore. haha. == I’m a dumb ass aren’t I?
Now that I’m too sick to do anything it’s really weird. You want me to be get better soon, and you want to hang out with me. We can still do a lot of things that we could do before we broke up. The only thing is, it’s different now. It’s just… hanging out… and not a date. At times I don’t get why I’m still so close to you… or maybe it’s just that we still have feelings for each other that can’t be eliminated right now. Other than that, I don’t see what else there is to say. I’m made an impact in your life? Really? Do you really miss me? It’s really hard for me to believe that sometimes. Though I believe every word you say… and yet people tell me you’re screwing around with me haha. == I wonder why… >>;; And I should listen to her… do what’s best for myself. What’s best for me right now… mmhm. That would be 1) not let things be awkward; 2) have you stay close to me; 3) let you be happy. I hope that sounds reasonable…
I realized that at a certain point on Wednesday I wanted to hug you really hard kiss you lightly on the cheek and just leave… It’s really hard not to be able to hug you and hold onto you when we see each other. I’ll get over it, that’s for sure =). I had a small request that I haven’t told you yet… but I’ll tell you later… =P Technically I don’t even know if you’ll ever read this or not… if you do, you’ll always be important to me, and I know you don’t want to be my brother… ==;; Who else can you be? If you don’t read this then I don’t have much else to say.
Don’t forget me… okay? And if I continue to matter to you some day… tell me? If you still like me in a couple of months would you still tell me? Would you tell me if you missed me? …would you tell me anything…?
~ Belle
