5:04pm April 8th, 2008
So… I have been thinking over and over again… why am I doing this to myself… As you said before, is it even worth it? Would I be better off single? You asked me questions that I could not answer on the spot. After thinking about it for a night, I do have answers. Prepare to be overwhelmed… if you’re not overwhelmed after this blog… I have failed. miserably………
First off, I don’t care anymore. All I care about is right now and what’s going on with me and you. You asked me several questions and this one question really made me think “who the hell do you think I am..” You asked, “Are you happier single?/Do you always have someone to like?” No I don’t always have someone to like… I’m perfectly fine being myself and not having to like someone. I have feelings for you because you’re important and special to me. If you didn’t mean anything to me I wouldn’t bother to like you. And yes perhaps you think the words “like” and “love” is overrated and maybe yes I am one of those girls that enjoy using these words, but it doesn’t mean I over use them. I only use them seriously to those that I feel deserve these words coming from me. I mean to be perfectly honest with you, I don’t really care if you use those words at all or if you find these words fake. That’s what I do when I’m expressing myself and if you don’t like it I wouldn’t take it offensively. I just won’t.
Am I better off single? I like being single you have freedom and you’re free to look at hot guys. It also means that I’m free to have crushes on guys (haha). But this is probably also the one time that I’ve really really liked being with someone. I know you don’t give me your 100% attention because I know you’re not the guy to. If you think breaking up with me will make me any happier I probably won’t. Because I know I could have changed how things are going. I’ve worked so hard and so long for things to come to this step, I don’t want things to end. Is it really worth it for me to put in so much effort and in the end not get anything from this? As of right now I don’t know if I’m getting anything from this because you said that your feelings haven’t developed yet. And yet you said you liked me more… does that mean you lied to me, or did you mean that your feelings haven’t developed fully yet? I really don’t know anymore. I truly wonder what’s going on… If you break things off with me now, yes I will be upset, and no I won’t be able to act normal around you. I will be really upset around you because I know that seeing you will bring back happy and sad memories.
A question that I want to ask you… do I have absolutely no affect on your life that even if one day we break up you won’t have any feelings attached? Not even for a day? or a week? I really want to know the answer to that… and hearing that you’ll be normal after we break up is already hurtful enough. Perhaps I don’t have what it takes to make an impact in your life. Then I hope someone else will. All I can do is give you a taste of what having a girlfriend is like. I know for a fact that I am not the one for you… probably not. It doesn’t mean I can’t try… I am trying hard to hold onto you for as long as I can… and then again I don’t know how much damage this will do to me… or you if it’ll even hurt you a bit in any way… I highly doubt that I’ll be a problem to you…
Sometimes I truly wonder why you never think about yourself when you’re wondering about these kinds of things… is it because you know you don’t “like” me enough to think that you need to be a factor in this relationship or is it because you just care about me too much. The ways you describe our relationship it doesn’t sound any different as your close female relationships with Cat… besides the fact that I’m your girlfriend, we hold hands, we hug a lot, and we kiss… Other than that I don’t see any difference… I truly don’t. And from what other people are seeing and telling me which I must say is hard to not agree with, you two sometimes seem more like a couple than we do… It’s not that I don’t mind or whatever, you two are close friends, I can’t do anything about that… it’s just like me and my guy friends. That’s why I don’t say anything about it… but when numerous people come up to you and say it over and over again to your face, then it starts to get a little annoying and out of hand. I don’t want to doubt you, I have NEVER doubted you… but why does everything have to happen now. People are telling me that this isn’t worth it, and that if I stop now I won’t get hurt as much. But I’ve put so much into this.. is it also worth it to just let go right now?
It’s been 2.5 months since we’ve been together… probably around 80 days? It’s been something that I never would have experienced without you… or in a totally different way if it wasn’t you. I honestly wonder if this will even be important enough for you to remember… I know that I’ll always be close to you and that we’ll always talk even if you’re off to university. But what if you start to avoid me… like today? I feel like we were so distant everyone was like “what’s up with him?” It doesn’t feel that great to have your friends call the person you like a jerk. You are not a jerk. You will never be a jerk. I just wish you would add yourself as a factor… would YOU be happier if YOU were single? Put yourself into the question instead of me…
I don’t know what your decision will be… I’ve seen long distance work and fail… it’s all in your hands now… I won’t end things… unless I am forced to, which I hope I’m not… Until that time I won’t think about it because I know that in the end you will always be a special someone in my life and I’ll always remember you as someone special. Or maybe I like you so much I don’t care if I get hurt… now that’s scary. Or perhaps I just don’t understand what I want yet… Actually I lied, I do… so you’ll just have to deal with what I want… while still being able to get what you want. If you have to hurt me… then hurt me. To be honest with you… I’m not confused anymore. I don’t care anymore… I don’t want you to avoid me or anything. From now on all I want is for you to be happy and if that means you don’t want me around… I’m fine with that. As long as I’m still a close friend to you I’m grateful for that. Just never forget me. Ok? As for now… I’ll continue to be the girlfriend that I always worked hard to be.
~ Belle
